They all want me
In bars
In cafes
On long walks to the farmer’s market
At the gym
At parties
Even the men at work.
And occasionally
I give in
On behalf of hormones
Or my ego nagging for a contact high
Or just because I want a set of solid arms
Wrapped around me
In the middle of a dark
And unfilled night
That clings like cellophane
To the death of
Another unsigned soul
Often, it is the booze.
But
Once they have me
I am no longer desired
I am a star shooting across the sky
That disappears
And dies upon re entrance
I am reduced to an occasional nod
The muted whisper as I walk by
Knowing
That despite beauty
Or talent
Or the brain of a smart man
I am a hole
That is filled
Only if some lad is clever
With his choice of phrasing
As he hands me a beer
Or if there is enough beer
And his words
Fall deaf upon my ears;
It flowers from my charity
Or a sense of bleakness in the air
Lime and salt
And the lights fade to dim
And the nights get longer
And the phone is quieter
And the mirror distorts and convinces me
I am not worth
Their love
I become bitter and use them
For bad poems
And orgasms
And the chance to turn my head one last time
And smile
But not say goodbye
That way they never know
If I was something they lost
Or something they conquered
Or something that ate them alive.